Friends and strangers

A rant about Twitter and “the real world”

I know everyone, their dog and the dog’s vet’s second cousin have already blogged about Twitter and done it well. It would seem pointless to add my random scribblings to the plethora of smart and insightful posts were it not that I need to let off some steam cooked up by frequent disparaging comments on social media. You know, the kind where someone who might or might not have spent any time on social media makes grand statements boiling down to the same old refrain: people should spend less time on social media and more in the real world. Apparently no one bothers to go out to meet friends anymore to have real conversations since they can more easily post a throwaway line on social media or click a like button. It is also more or less directly implied that conversations and friendships on social media do not count as “real” – all you get is light-weight chatter and disposable seeming-friendliness.

Claims like this are confusing and infuriating in turn. What is this “real world” and who gets to define it? Why is social media not part of the real world and what is it, then? A dream? An illusion? Hallucination? The Matrix?  Look here, Smug Real-World Supporter; I thank you for your offer of the red pill but I’d rather keep my imaginary friends. Let me try to explain why.

Let’s assume that there is, indeed, a Real World, the healthy, solid universe where actual real people meet other actual real people and have actual real relationships and actual real conversations without the aid of a mobile phone, tablet or computer, as opposed to the Imaginary World of Social Media where people communicate remotely. I’m going to talk about Twitter, as it is my favourite real-world substitute.

The reason I tentatively signed on Twitter in the first place was to gain knowledge. I wasn’t disappointed. Arts, literature, music, culture, history, science – Twitter is an ocean of interesting news and links that could keep me happily occupied all day long. It isn’t just random information, either: you can find experts on any field sharing their knowledge, commenting on news making rounds in both conventional and social media and discussing and debating matters with other experts. What’s more, you can ask them questions and have a good chance to get them answered. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have a network of artists and scientists available for this in the Real World. I’m definitely much too timid to ring the doorbells of strangers and crash their parties to listen in on their conversations.

Once you start asking questions and commenting on things, along come other Twitter members who share your interests. Suddenly there are people actually willing to discuss Shakespeare or 60s music or the moons of Saturn and other topics that might be met with just a blank stare when suggested to your Real Life contacts. You become aware of widespread murmurations, multitudes of people turning their attention to a specific topic. It’s a very special vibe when space enthusiasts all over the world follow the fate of a little lander on a comet far, far away in real time, now holding their breath, now cheering it on and your timeline is full of excitement and wonder and joy.

And there are the conversations. Yes, I insist, there are conversations. In 140 characters at a time, on any topic under the sun. They may be short and matter-of-fact or long and rambling, serious and absurd and goofy in turn, interesting and enlightening and even eye-opening, jolly, life-affirming, grim, commiserating ; debating and arguing; sharing, caring, supporting – in fact, they’re like the best conversations in the Real World.  Also, while I tend to gravitate towards certain people, bond and talk with some more than others – which is actually much the same in the Real World – I come across with a larger variety of people and opinions on Twitter than I would in the Real World. But dubious and unlikely deities forbid that there might be more reality on social media than in the Real World itself!

Somewhere amidst along the way I’ve also discovered I’ve made new friends. Now that was unexpected.

It’s a big deal for an awkward, tongue-tied introvert who’s never made friends easily. Twitter’s kind of an introvert’s paradise, though. You don’t have to speak, which means it’s much easier to communicate. There’s time to think what you want to say, unlike in real world where by the time you’ve formed a more or less coherent sentence in your mind and picked up courage to spit it out, the conversation has often moved on to another topic.  You can choose when and what to discuss and with whom. You have time to get to know people so that if you meet them in the Real World you’ve already got common ground to go on and might actually be able to talk to them instead of panicking and looking for the nearest exit. What’s more, you may have found people who not only still keep in touch on Twitter but actually seem to want to meet you again even if you feel your conversation has been as intelligent and intelligible as that of a half-wit duck with a hiccup. One day you might find that you’ve turned from a bit of a recluse into someone who meets duck-friendly folks quite regularly.

Dear Real-Life Evangelist, I must be doing something wrong. You say people don’t go out and meet face-to -face anymore because of social media. I seem to be going out and meeting people much more because of social media. You claim that social media is no place for real friendship and I say bullshit. And if you try to suggest that those friendships are born only after Real World meetings, I beg to differ. I say I’ve got friends I haven’t met and some I might never meet due to oceans and continents between us, but they are friends even so. And no, I don’t use the word ‘friend’ lightly.

Why should anyone think all contacts and communication on social media is transient is beyond me. That any friendly words are light as feathers, that people come and go and are soon forgotten. It’s easy to say things without meaning them? That’s actually true in the Real World, too, but we don’t doubt them all. What’s more, it’s even easier not to say anything at all, and not to listen. Yet there are lovely people on Twitter who will and will get back to you and ask how you are today. If a regular tweeter falls silent for an unusually long time even I, almost morbidly afraid of intruding and being pushy, might overcome my scruples and ask if everything’s ok. Because you don’t forget people with whom you’ve spent a lot of time chatting and joking and conversing and sharing interesting stuff. Some seem have left Twitter for good and they’re still on your mind. Some have died and, years later, are not forgotten. If someone’s sad or ill or otherwise having a rough time, kind souls on Twitter won’t ignore them but say hi, I’m here if you want to talk about stuff, any stuff. If that’s not friendly then I don’t know what is. And bear in mind that everyone might not have such support in the Real World.

So what is it that is so difficult to accept about social media communication? That it’s written, not spoken? How exactly is that worse? That some of the participants use nicknames and don’t include their photos? Names can be fake. Photos can be fake. People in the Real World can be fake, too put up fronts. You learn to know people through conversation, with time. There can be various kinds of good reasons for not appearing under your real name, one of the best ones being that it gives you freedom to discuss difficult topics, some that might be found wrongly, unfairly stigmatising (depression, sexual orientation, etc.) in the immediate Real World. Twitter can be and is a place to breathe and speak freely, unburden yourself, receive encouragement and peer support.

Dear Realworlder, I don’t know why you speak about social media the way you do. I’m willing to consider it’s not pure ignorance or an easy way to attract attention. Perhaps you’ve had a bad experience, or perhaps it just didn’t work for you. Perhaps you don’t need it. Fair enough, I respect that. I don’t need or want to convert you. Could you perhaps respect my experience – and that of many others? I know there are problems on social media, too, but there’s also much that is good about it, so how about we don’t generalise, either of us? Most of all, don’t, just don’t belittle the significance of a kind word from a stranger to someone who’s maybe alone, depressed, deeply unhappy. Because I do believe social media is part of the real world, with real people, who have very real feelings.